if life is pain and pain is good
why avoid feeling what we should
we grow
we grow


I thought you'd know I'd come back
to take it
what is mine

this love was blind and now
now I see
all the things I did to me
and you were never part of it

loneliness is all there is
the rest is an illusion
but if it makes me love today
no use in confusion




















I think I broke his heart
if it's true I'm even capable of that sort of thing
I think I broke his heart
if he even liked me
in the first place

I guess I'm not so smart
I can't tell if there's any feeling
when I turn my emotions off
it's hard to see if yours are on


it's hard not to be afraid
to let on that I feel pain

what is the meaning
of the grass
it can be soft
or it can prick your ass

what is the meaning
of an aeroplane
it can take you far
but everywhere's the same

what is the meaning
of a library book
sitting on a shelf
between me and you

what is the point
of memories
that I don't even want
that only hinder me

if I could just forget
one simple man
who hardly even knows who I am

I know the feeling
it's hard to explain
like a library book
stuck open on one page

and I leave it to dust
maybe even for years
but when I find it again
it's like God is near

but it's not God
and he's just a simple man
the old synapse path
firing again

so there is me,
and there's a shelf
storing volumes on why I hate myself
on the other side
there is a man
who hardly knows who I am

one fish
two fish
red fish
blue fish
orange fish
hates this
wants to
get out of it

anemonies
anemonies
he has too much of these
feeding
and teasing
they'll never last
without him


one step
two step
I think I overslept
faster
faster
must get
behind my desk






MUSIC VIDEO:

Sadie and the Players!

STARRING:
Kathryn M

Zeb Frantz

AND....

SADIE PIANOFORTE!!!

I haven't been writing in this. I used to use it to purge all of my angst but lately I haven't been feeling so much angst, mostly just apathy.

I am returning for a moment to write down something that I am feeling. It is the most intense emotion I have felt for months.

I've had a new friend. His name is Jack. I saw myself in him, that's why I liked him so much. We've been hanging out a lot the past few weeks but I think that spurt of activity has come to an end.

The thing is, I started caring about him in a semi-romantic way. I really started to give a shit about someone. It's dangerous to care. Especially when the feeling isn't mutual. I had been entertaining thoughts that the feeling could be mutual until just a few minutes ago when I found out how impossible that really is.

It was a simple conversation over instant messenger that tipped me off. I mentioned that our boss was pissed at me for missing today's shift. I've been stressed out over finals, so has he. Long story short, I found out how little he actually cares. I can't say I'm surprised. I don't see myself as the kind of person that another person would really care about anyway.

I reacted by doing the petty internet things that people do when they find out someone doesn't care about them. I deleted his myspace from my friends list and blocked him on AIM. I'm trying to be a stronger person, and having someone in my life who makes me feel so small is counterproductive. I would be better off alone, though I fear shutting everyone out.

I am listening to The Fragile. I am the girl who Trent is singing about. The only difference is that there isn't anyone who would bother singing about me.

I'm suicide romanticized
I'm sitting in the dark
hands pulsing
viscera coasting
on the tracks looped in the park




I remember the end.
Swells of anger rose and
fell in rhythm with
waves of regret.
She tore his shirt off her back
threw it to the floor

watched its blurred,
chaotic form against the
dirty carpet as she crumbled
whimpering to the floor.

I seem to forget
How it all began
Yeah I know what the Bible says
I used to wish it made sense
I used to wish it all made sense

It’s the agony and the irony
And everyone and everything
All living in a symbiotic submarine
In the sea
You and me


You’re just what I need
a fitting cross to bear
sitting never suited me
I’ll hang on your beams
Till I’m the fallen apple
keeping your grass green

it’s the agony and the irony
and everyone and everything
all living in a symbiotic submarine
in the sea
you and me


BRIDGE:
I can’t survive
without my parasites!
I wouldn’t feel alive
Without the tickle of their bite!

I've gotten into the television shows again, and this is the hottest couple. The hottest most doomed couple.

don't talk to me like the machines make you God
you push a little button
you are what you are

Hello, and it's time for another installment of Lifestyles of the Young, Angry, and Poor! I'm your host, posthumorous aka Kathryn aka .

Aussie Ben and I did some brainstorming a while ago and came up with the alias Kathryn Fail. It would be ironic if I were to meet with success and just plain fitting if I don't. So if anyone's got any ideas I'm ready for them with open....


TODAY was the first day of classes to kick off the spring semester. I use the phrase "kick off" because I've been inundated with football this weekend. Ian and his friends live and breathe that shit and I couldn't hang out with them without having my perfectly made-up gorgeous face smothered in it. Anyway, classes went well. I made it through the day without sleeping the night before which is pretty incredible.

That is to say, I donated my 8 hours to Heath Ledger. He apparently wanted them more than I did. I almost fucking cried when I read the headlines. 28 years old. Rest in peace while I try to find rest in this chaos that may or may not be ADHD, bipolar disorder, or just severe depression.

"Always be skeptical, but don't let it turn into cynicism. Cynicism will turn you to rot." -- Mitch Benoff, this morning during class.

I wonder if Heath was a cynic. I know I have been for years now. And yes, I have rotted down to my hollow bones. I sucked my own marrow out and savored the taste. The moments I enjoy have been so few, but I think the cynic is dying as I mature. Is this cynicism just a remnant of adolescence? Is it a sign of immaturity? That question is always at the back of my mind.

I have two photoshoots lined up. That's exciting. Watch me be famous.

Kathryn

I've had a lot of fun getting drunk lately.

Getting drunk at parties, getting drunk at bars, getting drunk at restaurants,

sitting on couches listening to Venetian Snares, stumbling through downtown Boston, slipping over train tracks in Concord wearing a nice dress and green sneakers, whisking home and laughing with a friend good enough to come and get me from an hour away,

oggling at the men talking to me and taking me by the hand and wishing I had the audacity for a kiss.

Vacation is almost over.

I've been playing piano.

INTERNETS!!!

1st draft.



Bedroom. Moonlight comes in through small windows and a small lamp provides a dim light next to bed. KATHRYN is splayed on the bed with a laptop in front of her. She wears a red babydoll dress without shoes or stockings. She looks surreal against the cluttered, drab room. Jesus adorns the walls. The frantic typing of keys is heard.

KATHRYN: giggles to herself every few moments, appears to be flirting with her laptop.
VO: Even if walls could talk, they wouldn't know what the fuck to tell you. This is me every night from 11PM to 3AM. This is what I do instead of going to bars or dance clubs or cozying up to a nice film or novel. I'm not reading scriptures or progressing towards the self-discovery that is vital to my personal or professional success. Here is Exhibit A: the illustrious laptop lap dance.

pulls out a digital camera
Here comes the paparazzi.

starts flashing pictures, some risque.
Hey, don't judge! This is between me and Jesus.